Go within or go without

Go within or go without. I am not sure who first came up with this gem of a sentence, but it feels very pertinent right now. When I did the Vision Day last month, I vowed to spend more time going within because I know it is the secret to everything – money, happiness, love, career, etc. Have I done it? No, I have not.

My thinking mind is a crafty so and so. I will set an intention to sit and be still for a while and my mind says ‘You’d better send that e-mail before you start, you know, just in case.’ It’s like taking a toke of a cigarette when you are trying to give up or leading an alcoholic to a bar. The damage is done the second I allow myself to be distracted.

I do it every, single time and am like this with all areas of my life. Over the years, I’ve had to develop strategies to trick myself into committing to things. For example, when I wake up, I pull on exercise gear because then I have to force myself to go for a run or visit the gym. Recently, I decided to start a film script and after a fortnight of staring at an empty notebook, I frogmarched myself to the local library and stared at the blank pages for an hour and a half. They were soon filled.

I bargain with myself too. For example, I’ll say: ‘If you write this piece and put away the washing, you can watch a few episodes of crap TV on Netflix’ or ‘eat clean today and you can have chocolate tomorrow.’ It’s as if I need a kind, but firm inner boss to take me in hand.

And so to the meditating. I haven’t quite nailed this one, but I do book myself on as many silent retreats as I can, because then I know I have no choice, but to go within. This weekend I booked a sound bath, because it would mean lying in a darkened room for a whole hour, with nothing but gongs, and pan pipes to distract me. I made a point of lying as far away from the door as possible, so there was no escape.

Meditating is like exercising. You always feel better for it, even if it is an effort to get started.

I am fighting against a lifetime of conditioning that equates busyness with success and suggests idle minds lead directly to the dole queue. Rationally, I know this is not true, but my inner wiring doesn’t. I always feel a bit off when I am not frantically busy and I equate money with productivity, even though I remind myself on a daily basis that a brilliant mind, is one that has space to think.

I keep hearing stories about people who lost everything, were told they had a terminal illness/or needed a life-saving operation, and managed to confound friends, family, and experts by having such faith in the universe, they went within and turned everything around. Cancerous tumours disappeared, blocked arteries mysteriously healed themselves, and fortunes have been turned around. I know that Ekhart Tolle was stripped of everything worldly when he saw the light. As was Neale Donald Walsch.

There are miracles waiting to unfold and to tap into them, all you have to do is sit still and do nothing.

If only it were as easy as it sounds.

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